A Splendid Little Plan

We keep getting strange reports from across our northern border— apparently Canada doesn’t like us. It never ceases to amaze me how individual Canadians can profess more disdain for the United States than love for their own country:

“I’m not so much proud to be Canadian as I am glad not to be American”, posted one such blogger recently.

Apparently, hating America is an obsession for many of our neighbors in the Great White North. Do they have any clue how seldom Americans actually think about Canada?

I said “Americans”, as though we own the name. We do, of course. Canadians cannot claim to be Americans because they do not possess American passports. Besides which, they aren’t even a real country. Go watch South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. That movie explains it all.

One thing we Americans do think about is our own security. Clearly, with Canada’s open-door policy for terrorist immigration, our northern border is anything but “secure”. I propose not that we close that border, but eliminate it altogether.

We annex Canada, immediately.

Think of all the problems this would solve.

Canada, while still not a real country, would become a territory of the greatest country of all time. Being the property of a great and powerful nation like America is reason for genuine pride. I’m sure lots of Canadians have been secretly hoping for annexation for a long time. Some of them have even acquired American accents. Well, sort of.

Most important, Canada has enough oil and gas to provide for their needs and ours for the next century, based on projected demand. That gives us decades to settle Mexico and work our way toward Venezuela.

Of course, some will suggest the Canadians will be less than receptive to the idea. What are they going to do? Object? I wasn’t exactly planning to put this to a vote. I mean, really, what would they do? Their navy is basically a salmon fishing fleet and a couple of ice breakers. Our navy could probably put those ice breakers to pretty good use up in the Arctic.

Which brings up another subject. Recently, some irresponsible Canadian politicians have been making noise about our submarines patrolling in Arctic waters, as though that is Canada’s domain, and off limits to the American Navy. So, with the election of a new Prime Minister, there is some discussion of building up Canada’s armed forces.

We better act quickly. If Canada gets the idea it has a real army or navy, someone could get hurt when we effect the takeover. We aren’t looking for a fight, just a neutral buffer zone and a little oil. Oh, and the whiskey is pretty decent, too.

No fight needed, however. I propose a simple deal: we exchange Canadian “dollars”— such as they are— for real American dollars, one-for-one. If I’m right, pretty much every Canadian will be taking their oath of allegiance by next Tuesday.

Oath? Yes, definitely an oath. A blood oath, in fact. Look, these people have been practicing socialism for a long time now, and it will take generations to get that Communist sympathy out of their bones. And no voting for at least two generations. We will administer Canadian Territory as fairly as we can.

Oh, and to be clear, no French need apply. That’s right, Quebec stays behind. We erect a giant barbed wire-topped fence around Quebec, with a big gate on the southern side. All that Canadian money we collect gets bundled and strapped onto pallets and we drop the entire boodle off at the entrance. Slam the gate and padlock it.

The French will think they are rich, for about a week. Enough time to secure the perimeter with our newly recruited bi-lingual Canadian Territorial Brigade. Volunteers, all, as I am sure Canadians will be proud to defend their newly adopted fatherland. For the first time, Canadians will have a reason to exist: to defend America from enemies, foreign and domestic. After a couple of generations of patriotic exercise, we might consider citizenship privileges for the more loyal troops.

With all that oil securely within our new borders, we can turn our attention to solving the Middle East problem. The solution? Pull out, once and for all. Without oil dependents, the Middle East is nothing but camels, dates, and some weird angry guys with beards. Let’s just leave it all behind and let the Muslims pound sand, so to speak. I’m sure they can sort out their differences in time, and if the crazies want to join the civilized world and actually produce something other than bloody sand for the first time in their existence, we might welcome them some day.

Of course, we cannot abandon our ally, Israel. I have a solution for them, too: Newfoundland.

Simple, and obvious, don’t you think? I know, there is that sticky “promised land” thing and all, but think of this as a “promise kept”. I mean, nobody is going to kick them out of Newfoundland. Ever. Plus, there is all that salmon. Lox, man, lotsa lox. And your favourite New York deli is just a shuttle flight away. Oh, and Israelis will get American citizenship long before the Canadians.

And to sweeten the deal for the Israelis: an option on Cuba. Sunshine, rum, fine beach babes and a very interesting history.



You think Canaan can compete with that? Such a deal!