With all this worry about Middle-East oil dependency and the cry for alternate energy sources, I did some research. I came to the conclusion we ought to consider renewable sources for energy, preferably something that might double as a tasty snack.
My idea: whale oil.
As you may know, the world used to depend on whale oil until nearly two centuries ago. Then something dreadful happened—the discovery of inexpensive mineral oil, seeping from the ground. When whale oil prices peaked, it was the crude-oil equivalent to $1,500 per barrel. At its historic cheapest, whale oil commanded the crude oil-equivalent of about $200 per barrel. That’s about three times the current price of crude, which I actually find encouraging.
The Japanese love whale meat, for some inexplicable reason. They just love weird, squiggly crap. Shiokara, for example, is the pickled intestines of squid, and very popular in Japan. In any case, their bizarre taste for whale meat will help us offset the cost a bit.
Not that cost is really such an issue.
You see, the most important consideration for energy sources, according to the Leftists that form our intellectual elite, is not price or cost. Touchie-feeliness is what really counts to environmentalists. And, few things in this world are more appealing to Greenies than a breeching whale. They actually think whales are intelligent.
But, we may have a minor problem here. When a Leftist thinks an animal is intelligent, that animal is suddenly conferred greater rights than any human being. However, I think the Left is going to disappear in time, due to the notable Roe Effect, so that problem will solve itself.
Besides which, whales really aren’t that smart. What sort of animal allows barnacles to grow on its skin? Not a smart one, for damned sure. And how often do we have to see a beached whale to realize they actually want to die. Suicidal idiots don’t deserve a break, in my book.
Boil ‘em down for fuel, toast their meat and coat it with cheese powder. Ship the crunchy bits to Japan, toss the greasy part into the gas tank. We eliminate the Arabs and put our trade balance into the black in one fell swoop. Best of all, we beat the environmentalists at their own game.
So, there we have it. Kill a whale, screw a Greenie. Could it get any better?